Caring for Marriage Named in List of Top 10 Marriage Blogs

Back in March I told you about Daily Marriage Emails, written by Lori Odhner (of Caring for Marriage) called “Marriage Moats.”

Caring for Marriage has now been listed at #5 in a list of "The Top 10 Marriage Blogs of 2010"! (The list is put together by Stu Gray of TheMarryBlogger.com.)

The listing is well-deserved in my opinion. Frankly I'm amazed that, even though it's been months since the program started, every day there's another email in my inbox with an interesting image and yet another thoughtful insight, quote, tool, or anecdote about some aspect of marriage.

Congratulations Lori!

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Sign up for “Marriage Moats” or view the archive of past emails.

Daily Marriage Emails

Caring for Marriage (www.caringformarriage.org) has just started offering a free, daily marriage support email called "Marriage Moats." Here's the welcome message that you get sent when you sign up:

Welcome to Marriage Moats!

My son Benjamin's latest recurring question is about moats. He asks "What is a moat?" eager to hear again what he already knows.

"A moat is water that surrounds a castle and keeps it safe from enemies."

He smiles, and asks what enemies are.

"They are people who want to hurt you."

He wanders off into a memory about moats in movies he has seen, and laughs about bad guys who fell into them.

People sometimes say that a person's home is his or her castle.
Marriage can be a castle, but that does not mean it is never under attack.

I am intrigued by the idea of a moat, as a deterrent for flame flinging masked marauders.

This daily message is called Marriage Moats, because it is a modest obstacle to those influences that undermine marriage. It will offer a puddle of protection in the form of a quote, or anecdote, or book blurb. Some mornings it will slip into your inbox, and you will hurriedly delete it sight unseen. Other days you will open it, as you invite in those few sentences that may surround your mental fortress with a waterway that keeps you safer. Water is like truth, in that it keeps you clean and quenched, and paired with a boat, gets you to places you would be hard pressed to find otherwise. Truth can transport you to resorts as well, places of refuge, and beauty.

Marriage Moats is one wet barrier you can create to stave off the armies of negativity and apathy that incessantly bash on your door.

You may even find it funny to watch the critical thoughts splashing and thrashing, unable to reach you, while you watch from a turret in the clouds.

I'm on a couple of different lists that email me inspirational stuff daily or weekly (e.g. Daily Inspiration from www.newchurch.org and the weekly newsletter from Gary Chapman (www.5lovelanguages.com)). Like Lori says, often I delete them or archive them immediately but sometimes I find them really useful. To sign up for "Marriage Moats" go to www.caringformarriage.org. Currently you can sign up for the program right on the homepage. Eventually it will probably be relegated to the Online Programs section. (Techie note: If you use an add blocking addon like Adblock Plus you'll need to disable that to see the sign up form.)

Sermon Series for Valentines Day

At the last 2 Bryn Athyn contemporary services Rev. Mac Frazier did a 2 part series on men and women in preparation for Valentines Day. First he gave a talk "For Men" (start at 17:30 to skip the singing) and then he gave a talk "For Women" (start at 9:30 to skip the singing).

Both talks have a good combination of teachings from the Word and practical advice. They're not particularly focused on just one point but it means that there are a bunch of different useful ideas about men and women and marriage to consider.

I was especially impressed that, in preparation for his talk for women, Mac made sure to talk to as many women as he could about what to say. As a result I think both talks were balanced and useful.

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If you live within driving distance of Bryn Athyn, you might want to consider attending the Caring For Marriage marriage conference that's happening tomorrow and the next day. It's not just for married people and it has some great speakers, workshops, activities, and entertainment lined up.

Reflection: Loving Other People

About a month ago I wrote my first longer blog post, "Everyone is a Teacher". (I recommend reading the comments on this post, by the way. Maybe someday I'll get around to responding to them.) Anyway, I'm calling these longer posts reflections and here's another one.

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I've been learning about listening recently, mostly from a marriage group run by John and Lori Odhner of Caring for Marriage. A now well-worn truism of listening in marriage is that women just want to be listened to not have their problem fixed. I find this annoyingly true. Almost every time that my wife tells me about something negative, my first reaction is to start thinking about how to fix it—how to be the knight that rides up to save her with my brilliant solution sword. But, pretty much every time she would rather that I just listen to what she's experiencing and even sometimes just repeat back the words that she's saying. "I'm feeling frustrated that...." "You're feeling frustrated that...." "Yes!" So it's clear that, if I want to be loving, that's what I should do but there's a part of me that would still much rather mentally run off to find my horse and put on my armor than concentrate on really understanding what my princess is dealing with.

Another brilliant way that I often want to respond is by talking about how I'm feeling. "I'm feeling frustrated because...." "I'm also feeling frustrated but I'm frustrated because...." But, again, if I want to really be loving to my wife, I shouldn't get into that.

I know that this is basic stuff but forgive me while I share my realizations about what I think is going on underneath both of these. I think that the fundamental thing that matters to my wife (and to anyone I'm supposedly listening to) is whether I'm focusing on myself or the other person. The shift to focusing on me is pretty obvious when I say "I'm also feeling frustrated...." but it's also what's going on in the fixing scenario. When I start thinking about how to solve my wife's problems I've shifted from focusing on the much less comfortable thing of listening to and trying to relate to someone outside of me to the much more comfortable realm of focusing on how I can save the day.

More CaringForMarriage Videos

A little while ago I mentioned a couple of videos that Caring For Marriage made for promoting marriage. There are now two more. They look professional and they're funny, cute, and short. Enjoy!

Simple Lessons About Marriage from CaringForMarriage.org

The latest video made by the Caring For Marriage folks (caringformarriage.org) is up on YouTube. Like the 3 other Caring For Marriage videos (this one, this one, and this one) it has a simple metaphor and a simple message about marriage. If you don't get distracted by the low quality video and the other flaws you could find, there's a good point in each of them. I think it's useful to have these sorts of easily understandable metaphors for explaining simple truths about marriage.

Incidentally, on the Caring For Marriage web site you can find information about and register for the Caring For Marriage conference coming up on February 14th and 15th.

UPDATE: I've now embedded the videos in this post so you can watch them right here.

Great Article About Why Sexual Fantasy is Harmful

Caring For Marriage puts out a newsletter with articles, stories, and thoughts about marriage. For one of them Rev. John Odhner wrote a great article about why sexual fantasy is harmful. He writes,

Acting out sexually can have huge consequences—disease, pregnancy, divorce, emotional trauma, financial loss, ruined reputation or jail. Fear of these things keep many people from actually doing things they fantasize about, but frequently people assume that fantasy itself may be harmless, and even be helpful. .... The Lord's message is contrary to this. He asks us to look at where our thoughts are going: “Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27). .... The flood of evil in Noah’s time was not that much different from today—it was in people’s fantasies: “The imagination of the thoughts of their hearts was evil every day” (Genesis 6:5). ....

Another reason why fantasies are so harmful is that they are so pleasurable. Yes, they can spice up you sex life, but so can crack. The problem is that we easily become dependent on fantasies to create sexual excitement, but we become more tolerant, so we need newer, more daring and forbidden fantasies to maintain the same level of excitement. .... The bottom line is that fantasy is focused on getting pleasure for oneself, while true love is feeling the joy of another as joy in oneself, so that each wants to think and intend as the other does.

Many people believe that chastity is simply abstinence from adultery physically, even though this is not chastity unless it is also at the same time abstinence in spirit. For a person's spirit—meaning here his mind in its affections and thoughts—is what makes him chaste or unchaste. (Conjugial Love 153).